Break-ing Up is Hard to Do

I don't know if you're still on a break but...

I thought you were taking a break...

Well, if you're still on a break....

I know with the writing of the post it seems like I just announced that I'm taking a break, but really I've been trying to take a quick two month break, cut back on sessions, take a little breather and then back to our regularly scheduled program. It's been a good time for it, right smack dab in the middle of summer where it is freakishly hot outside.   Who looks good while they are melting anyway?  (Ok, I did a senior session last year and was impressed at how gorgeous she was while it was 1200 degrees outside and humid since it just rained the night before - I, on the other hand, looked like a drowned squirrel) 

Where was I?

Some days I feel like I'm going to break.  Maybe I'm just hypersensitive to it because I know the resistance I received, I'm taking the break because I feel like I need it.  Because there are days when I sit at my computer and do nothing, just sit there, staring at the screen, doing...nothing.  I think just because of that I'm break-worthy.  (And if this is my day job boss reading this, *ahem* I am only specifically referring to when I'm at home on my own time)  Please continue reading below:

On the outside I look fine, IF you catch me at a time where my tears haven't washed off my makeup or turned my eyes flaming red.  I have some awesome waterproof mascara and eyeliner....but my foundation, that's another story.

I don't know what magical thing taking a break is going to do for me.  I know the "break" is not going to fix me, but I do know that continuing down the path I was headed WAS going to break me.   Break me more than I'm already broken.   I was just delaying the healing, I knew it. 

There sure are a lot of breaks in this blog post.   Maybe this is why I feel like I need to start writing, to be able to share how I'm feeling in a way that unearths the craziness going on in my head.   I'm not just dealing with the stuff that has happened to me, but also how other people react to it.  How other people look at me and I can see how they feel sorry for me, or are hurting for me, or are angry too ... because of what I tell them.   That keeps me from telling people things.  I know how I feel, why would I want to tell you just so that I would have to watch those emotions appear on your face.  Now I've put you through that and I have to relive it again as well.  Some days, I would go through a whirlwind of emotions to the point where I wouldn't even know which way was up, to the point where I didn't even know where to start in a story because I wasn't sure what chapter I was on. 

I know I need a new direction, it's finding the road map that appears to be the challenge. I feel lucky because I have a support system that allows me explore new avenues and discover what my path is meant to be.  So, yeah, I'm still break-ing.