Break-ing Up is Hard to Do

I don't know if you're still on a break but...

I thought you were taking a break...

Well, if you're still on a break....

I know with the writing of the post it seems like I just announced that I'm taking a break, but really I've been trying to take a quick two month break, cut back on sessions, take a little breather and then back to our regularly scheduled program. It's been a good time for it, right smack dab in the middle of summer where it is freakishly hot outside.   Who looks good while they are melting anyway?  (Ok, I did a senior session last year and was impressed at how gorgeous she was while it was 1200 degrees outside and humid since it just rained the night before - I, on the other hand, looked like a drowned squirrel) 

Where was I?

Some days I feel like I'm going to break.  Maybe I'm just hypersensitive to it because I know the resistance I received, I'm taking the break because I feel like I need it.  Because there are days when I sit at my computer and do nothing, just sit there, staring at the screen, doing...nothing.  I think just because of that I'm break-worthy.  (And if this is my day job boss reading this, *ahem* I am only specifically referring to when I'm at home on my own time)  Please continue reading below:

On the outside I look fine, IF you catch me at a time where my tears haven't washed off my makeup or turned my eyes flaming red.  I have some awesome waterproof mascara and eyeliner....but my foundation, that's another story.

I don't know what magical thing taking a break is going to do for me.  I know the "break" is not going to fix me, but I do know that continuing down the path I was headed WAS going to break me.   Break me more than I'm already broken.   I was just delaying the healing, I knew it. 

There sure are a lot of breaks in this blog post.   Maybe this is why I feel like I need to start writing, to be able to share how I'm feeling in a way that unearths the craziness going on in my head.   I'm not just dealing with the stuff that has happened to me, but also how other people react to it.  How other people look at me and I can see how they feel sorry for me, or are hurting for me, or are angry too ... because of what I tell them.   That keeps me from telling people things.  I know how I feel, why would I want to tell you just so that I would have to watch those emotions appear on your face.  Now I've put you through that and I have to relive it again as well.  Some days, I would go through a whirlwind of emotions to the point where I wouldn't even know which way was up, to the point where I didn't even know where to start in a story because I wasn't sure what chapter I was on. 

I know I need a new direction, it's finding the road map that appears to be the challenge. I feel lucky because I have a support system that allows me explore new avenues and discover what my path is meant to be.  So, yeah, I'm still break-ing.

Changing Your Perspective

Look where I found Stacy

"You'll never catch me laying on the ground" ~ Stacy MacLaren

I laugh everytime I think of that conversation I had with one of my best friends, she informed me she would never lay on the ground to take a photo.  Oh no, not me, nuh uh...no way.   We initially bonded because of photography, working together for months, we had hardly even spoken but a few words to one another.   But then we discovered a mutual interest that started us chatting, then taking a class together...now we're stuck with each other.  And I'm quite happy about that.

She gives me new perspectives all the time, about life, love, pursuit of all things craftiness.  And maybe I challenge her to find new perspectives as well...like laying on the ground.   It's just a little dirt, it'll wash.  Now I can't get her off the ground.

Most photographs are taken from the height of about 5 1/2 feet to 6 1/2 feet...curious to know the average height of an American...hmm?  

It's more than lying on the ground, it's turning around, looking up and down, walking in a circle, bending over, kneeling, climbing on something, etc, etc.    For some of my favorite shots all I did was bend down and turn the "nose" of my camera up a little and point towards the sky.  It's the difference of millimeters, but the difference of ordinary to magical. 

But...it's not just about how we position ourselves to take a photo, it's also about what we see and the photos we look for. 

I learned this lesson one night shooting for a non-profit event called "Light the Dark."  It was an event that was meant to bring light to the community and memorialize victims of the shooting that occurred during the Gabrielle Giffords town hall. 

The event organizers had been looking for a photographer and I was recruited to come and shoot it.  I agreed to because I thought they really needed help, as in, couldn't find anyone else.  It wasn't that I didn't want to help out, it was that I had a newborn session that day and those are time consuming and exhausting.  I rushed to the event after leaving the newborn session just to arrive in the parking lot to a slew of photographers.

I was confused, intimidated, and disappointed.  I didn't want to get out of my car.  I didn't want to stay.  Although, I had made a committment to be there.  What was I doing here if they already had people?    What am I going to shoot that they are not already shooting? 

In that moment it occurred to me...shoot what they are NOT shooting.   Be intentional and look for moments, expressions, statements, that are not the obvious.  I was purposefully going to shoot what they are not shooting. 

From that point on my perspective has been forever changed. 

You can tell me what you think about the photos, but when I look at them today, I feel what it was like to be at that event.  The emotion of the days afterward.  Hope.  Healing.  Light. 







View the full album of photos on my Facebook Page


Many Blessings & Happy Clickin'
<3 Kristina

My Little Shadow

Whenever my nieces come to visit, the daughters of one of my brothers, I affectionately refer to them as "the blondies," the younger of the two has become my shadow.  The kind of shadow that is always touching me and going everywhere I go, sometimes just sitting and staring at me...lol.  I don't talk much, and neither does she, but she wouldn't care if I didn't say a word.  She's content just being next to me whatever I'm doing.  She asked me to sit next to her for dinner, holding my hand as I walked through the house so as if I wouldn't escape and possibly choose another seat.  I assured her that I would eat with her but that I needed my hand free so that I could fix my plate but I asked her to save me a seat.  Unbeknownst to me my seat was a towel on the floor laying next to her as she is laying there on her belly.  She looked up at me with her beautiful bright eyes and a big grin, tapped twice on the floor and said, "Right here Aunt Kristina"  How could anyone refuse that?  She melts my heart.

Whenever she visits her favorite thing to do is lay on my bed and watch tv.  Of course it's not just on my bed, it's IN my bed, under the covers, pillows propped up.  When her sister found out what she was doing she promptly joined.

"I'm making a fort with your pillows Aunt Kristina"

Concentrating (on Sponge Bob)

Big sister joins in...just in time for Dad to come and say it's time to go home

Not leaving!  

If we hide under here...you can't find us and we can't hear you!

Apparently she's been carrying around her Cabbage Patch Kid for a couple days now, complete with car seat carrier.  I asked her if I could take her picture too.  Her name is Felicia...or is it Felisha???  Hmmm.  lol.

This is why I fell in love with photography.  I thank God for letting me have 15 shots of them today.

Many Blessings & Happy Clicking!

<3 Kristina

Photography with Purpose

"...where life feels so damn heavy that photography is an escape, instead of a purpose." ~Jake Garn (JakeGarn.com)

Lost in a magical vison bounded within a rectangular frame...photography WAS an escape for me.  Somewhere along the way it transformed into a business of people, less of an escape and more of a demand and committment.  Don't get me wrong, I fell in love with shooting people, but I fell in love with photography first, because of the escape. 

Photography as a purpose.  It's an interesting thought.  As I struggle with the path that I am meant to take, I am relieved to hear other photographers talk about their journey as confusing and mysterious.  As Jake Garn mentioned in his post On Inspiration, he felt that much of the reason he was doing what he was doing was because of fate.  I look back and I believe fate has shoved me in this direction.  And when I say fate I really mean a divine swift kick in the ass. 

What will my purpose be? 

Experimental Failures

There is light, but for now it is
seen through broken glass

"There are no failures, just experiments that didn't work."

Part of this last Sunday's teaching was about the power of influence and how we can affect other people's lives through how we lead our own, specifically how we talk about our faith in God. 

This last year has been one of the most challenging I've had so far.  There are many areas that I see myself as a failure...a wife, a friend, I've let family down by having an obligation to my business, and even my business because I have had trouble balancing priorities. 

Maybe these things were not experiments, per se, or even failures in the true sense of the word...but they are hard learned life lessons for sure.

I've been agonizing over a decision, praying about it, seeking other's advice, and weighing the pros and cons.  It has been interesting to see other people's reaction and to listen to their opinions.  I've heard a lot of "why would you want to do that?" or "I wouldn't tell people why" or "I wouldn't write a blog about it" or my favorite "God has a plan for you."

What people don't realize is that God's plan for me has included a lot of pain.  While it may be true and I believe God has a plan for me, those words are not comforting in the midst of a storm.  You can't see a rainbow while it is raining.

So back to this decision...I've decided to stop taking clients.

Ok, ok, so you might be saying to yourself right now..."wait, what?!?!"   That's ok.   And when I say stop taking clients, I'm going to finish that by saying "for now" and end that with "I don't know for how long."

I've been building my business and building my business and putting every bit of me into it, my heart and soul.  Well, my heart and soul are broken right now.  I know there are worse things than going through a divorce *gasp* she said it aloud.  But I also feel that I'm not being true to my clients if I'm not all in 100%, so I'm going to take a break and work on that.

I said to myself..."self, what is the risk?"  What am I risking by telling my clients that I'm having a hard time right now because life happened to me.  Not good life like I usually celebrate in photographs, but bad life, ugly, painful, heartbreaking life happened...to me.  You know what?  It sucks.  What am I risking?  My business?  I truly believe that IF God has a plan for me, and that does include photography, my path will lead right back to it...no doubt.  In my opinion, it is a bigger risk to provide full disclosure, to be vulnerable, to admit defeat.  If you don't want to hire me as your photographer in the future because I am telling you the truth about what I am going through, than I'm probably not the right person for you to work with anyway.  If I have to start over, that's what I'm going to do.  I'm ok with that.  In the meantime, I'm going to be doing a little soul searching, a little charity work, and reinvesting in myself.

Find beauty in everyday things. 

If there is anything that I have learned because of this is that I am a reflection of my photographs and my photography is a reflection of me.

I hope you are willing to join me on my journey. I have faith that God will reveal his plan to me, he's just working on the logistics at the moment.

Thank you for all of your wonderful love and support.

Many Blessings and Happy Clicking!
<3 Kristina

”It's okay to be broken...God will use your weakness to become your strength." – Dad (Jasmine Star)

Confessional: I am Human

I am Human.

What a profound statement to make, isn't it?  Me, being a human...like you aren't a human too.   But I think for me it's a reminder to myself.  To ALLOW myself to be human.  To give myself permission to have flaws, to feel pain, to accept that life turns out in ways that we never expected.  And to not expect that I can be all and do all because I think we get ourselves caught up in this trap that we think that everyone wants us to be everything to everyone all the time.

All of the pieces of this image were taken of a magazine that a friend gave me about crafting, tinkering with my camera one night I created this composite.
The photo of the heart in the lower right was from an edition of Italian Vogue.  <3 Kristina

  

Love Your Neighbor as Yourself

There's a reason I didn't name this blog Kristina's photography blog.  Of course photography has a huge thread and motivator for it, but sometimes photos are just reminders of where we've been, where we are, or where we want to be.  

I posted a photo on Facebook that I took of a necklace that I found.  I had been looking for a key charm necklace.  My heart has been shattered into 1,000 pieces recently.  I gave away the key to my heart, I wanted a metaphor that I got it back and held it close to me.  I wore the necklace almost an entire day before realizing it had a biblical verse on it.  "Love the Lord Your God with All Your Heart" - Luke 10:27

What I have come to realize today is that there is more to the verse, as it reads below:

He answered, "Love the Lord you God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind" and "Love your neighbor as yourself." - Luke 10:27

Loving your neighbor is a challenge, let alone loving them as yourself.  I think it is easier to love a stranger than being able to love someone that has caused pain or done harm.  I'm humbled and confused.  A lesson I apparently needed.  The same day that I found a video clip about praying boldly and asking for big things.  

I don't understand why these concepts are coming into my life now, but I'm listening.